His Beautiful Mind - Hiatus
by Fae 206
Summary: 1st Person Kurt, set straight after 5x20. After Rachel leaves and June starts paying more attention to Blaine, Kurt starts to see something very different about how his partner operates under stress. Kurt begins to worry for the love of his life, but his fears become even worse when he learns the problem is mostly psychological. How can he protect the one he loves through that?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **I don't think I've written in first person for a while, I do apologize if my characterizations aren't that good yet. This is kind of in response to some of the Season 6 foilers/spoilers and kind of my own passion as a psychology fan. The title is after the movie, A Beautiful Mind.

**His Beautiful Mind**  
>[Part K of a two Part Fanfic. Part B will be called - In a World of my Own]<p>

Thank god Rachel has moved out!

I had spent too much of my life living with her, trying to understand and get through to her, and even though my fiancee is just like a female Rachel in a lot of ways, it's easier too. Maybe I have to agree with him more, comfort him more…sometimes I wonder how effective my attempts to comfort him really are, and just calm him down so he doesn't act too impulsively. Still, love makes that a whole lot easier and after my mother, after Karofsky and the bullies in high school, after I tried to heal from the cheating, I've had trouble expressing that love. Well, trouble expressing it to anyone, but the one person who I know loves me just as much.

Blaine.

Blaine Anderson is my fiancee, the man I know in my heart that I will marry, the man who I can assure you, no argument will make me break up with. I mean, who could give up someone who is this adorable on a puppy dog scale, he goes with _everything_. And that too is funny in a way, my whole life has been made up of choices and careful selections. The type of hair spray I use, exactly which socks go with which outfits, the exact length of my sleeves, the way I pace myself through the day. All of it, every single part has that spark of Kurt Hummel charm.

My plans may have included a desire for a Disney prince, but they hadn't fully formed Blaine. Blaine, a man who doesn't care what I choose to do as long as he can protect me and support me. A man who said that both my tattoo and tongue piercing were cute, a man who believes in me on days when I don't even believe in myself.

Not to enforce the stereotypical notion of gay queens, oh gaga how I hate that, reminds me of junior year with that teenager I had to force myself to forgive, but they say that a girl always picks a man that's like her dad. I can most definitely see parts of my dad in Blaine. It's one of the things that gives me so much protection.

As I take my seat on the bed next to where he's sleeping, I reach out and smile. Oh god, I love the way that my hand feels as it runs through his free from gel hair, the way the little curls sometimes catch on my fingers. I love the smell of Blaine, that very subtle raspberry and then the cologne that really reminds me these days of nothing else but Blaine. When someone else wears that same cologne it's become difficult for me not to…..

Blaine gives a soft moan as he moves from the bed and looks at me. I gaze back at him, admiring the amber in his eyes and the rich glow that I don't see anywhere else. I could say that the color, that kind of golden brown, is the biggest factor in my enjoyment of those eyes, but it's more than that, it's the depth and the glow that make me feel like I can see deep into his soul.

And sometimes I wonder why they are so broken.

I seem to be the only one who can see that things beneath the surface aren't quite right, that nothing is as good as Blaine makes it out to be, that he has fears and doubts just like the rest of us. What scares me most, and I also saw it elsewhere, is that look of self-hatred, that constant questioning of self worth.

I hate that I can't really make it go away.

I could stick by my old reasons, that the touching of the fingers is as intimate as it gets, but I struggle. I don't have the experience talking about things, I want to, but as guarded as I am it gets harder. My dad loves me, but he was never the type to get me to sit down so we could have proper conversations. I did a lot on my own, after my mother died I _had_ to do a lot on my own. And I'm scared, I'm scared to death because Blaine is so beautiful and sexy and smart and talented and…I just want him to know that. Giving him sex seems to be something we both enjoy, but at this point I don't know what to do that can actually help..

As Blaine smiles at me and lets out a greeting in his sexy exhale, I smile.

"I was wondering when you'd wake up, are we going to cook the breakfast today together?" I ask him, but he just sits up and looks away.

I really enjoy making breakfast with my husband to be, it's not often that I can make a meal with someone who honestly cares more about me than themselves. Still, those breakfast times have grown a lot less frequent lately. Blaine always seems to be off somewhere, meeting with the same two friends of June's. I really do trust him, but I don't know if I'm interesting enough or talented enough to deserve keeping him.

Being the most interesting guy in all of Ohio doesn't count for anything in the big city.

"Damn it!" Blaine curses as I tilt my head and look at him.

I'm taken aback and for a good reason as well, Blaine never seems to swear like that, he's always been so…dapper. Or, at least that hadn't changed until these two friends popped into the picture. Melissa Debloom and Annabella Vanderberg. It's really worrying me that the two of them have absolutely zero social media presence, I know that Blaine is gay, but these two women should at least have identities right? They're not just two people that Blaine has conjured up…they can't be!

"Baby, is there," I ask, trying to reach out for him, but he stands up before I can touch him.

Once again I'm starting to feel useless.

"I need to leave, I need to go meet Anabella," Blaine says as he checks the time and starts whispering sharp words to himself.

It's six thirty on Saturday morning, who could want to meet him this early? Wasn't it even a little too early for breakfast at Tiffany's? I reach out, this time standing up as well so I can just get him to explain. I can't catch up with him. He rushes into our bathroom too quickly and I hear the water running.

I know I could pound and yell on the door, but what's the point? Maybe my problem is that unlike Blaine is and Finn was, I'm not hot headed enough to just jump at the chance to do something. I mean, with some notable exceptions. I try to play my life out strategically and if things get lost then I'm not really one who is an expert at fighting, sure I'll fight for someone if I really want them, but too many things hold me back from just letting my emotions control my body over my mind.

I wish Blaine were a bit more like that.

I wish I could be a bit more like Blaine.

Ten minutes later, I hear him toss down his toothbrush, the water has already been off for a few minutes. I walk over to the closet, thinking about an outfit that might look professional and make Blane turn some heads.

"Whatever doors he opens, he opens for both me and him," I tell myself. It's like a mantra I have because I can't let myself get jealous, especially since I've seen the pain in those eyes deepen since Rachel's departure. Unrelated issues, I'm betting.

I pick out a nice red vest, formal red jeans and a long sleeve black shirt. Maybe I could find a bow tie for this as well. Blaine rushes past me as I'm looking in his bow tie box.

"Hey, what do you think?" I ask as I hold up the red bow tie he had worn during my senior year Valentines Day party….why the hell did I feel so much guilt over Karofsky though…I don't know, I wish I could just forget it. That man represents my past and Blaine, Blaine has always represented my future.

"Too red. Annabella said no red." He says and I can see the stress. I don't know what's gotten into him lately, he used to be so much more passionate and so much less distant. It hurts. I mean, I have noticed similar patterns in the past, but I didn't want to revisit them again and revisit the feelings that they often leave me with.

"Blue?" I suggest, but Blaine picks out one of his nicer suits.

Okay, so I know that I dressed up in a suit when I went to have breakfast in New York with Rachel during junior year, but does Blaine _really_ need to be wearing this right now? Who will even see him. I step forward and attempt to straighten his collar.

"Kurt, I love you," he says softly.

I try to stay calm, I can at least steady him. Straightening a collar isn't a long process, but it gives me an excuse to be close to him, to breathe in his scent, to…

He pushes me away and frantically starts searching for something. I know it's not right for him if I ask if I can help, so I just watch. I watch as he picks up some information on goldfish and an empty pink envelope that a birthday card for Rachel came in before getting his shoes on and slipping his bag over his shoulder.

I'm starting to feel unloved, but he suddenly realizes me standing there and probably looking as worried and disappointed as I do inside.

He approaches me, places his hands on my shoulders and speaks in his voice that I love so much, "I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel that I'm taking you for granted."

I choke and nod, "I-I know"

It should be okay alright? He apologized to me. I shouldn't hold a grudge.

"I love you," he says and finally I feel that touch upon my cheek as he kisses me passionately. I sink into the kiss but before I know it it's over, before I know it Blaine has left the loft, and I am all by myself again.

Alone and confused.

**AN:**

Hope you enjoyed it. I'm working on a few other pieces right now, but if you enjoyed this chapter please leave a review. I tend to update fanfics with more reviews faster :P


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Sorry it took me so long to update, but I hope people are still enjoying this as I am really enjoying writing it. I have started Blaine's part too which can be found here: https[:][/]www[.]fanfiction[.][net]/s/10773751/1/In-A-World-Of-My-Own

**Chapter Two**

I don't want to be a bad fiancee, I never want to be a bad partner and sometimes I can become so incredibly scared that that is _exactly_ what I am becoming, but I need to trust my instincts right now. It shouldn't be possible that two people so included with the acting and performing industries (even if they are only in the PR department) to not leave a hint of media presence. I want to say it's impossible, but the most I can say is it's highly unlikely and I want to give my future husband the benefit of the doubt.

Still, Blaine might not know if these people are conning him and June. He might give away too much information about me, about himself. He could even give them the information so that they could steal and sell his identity and his finances.

Blaine deserves better than that and as I ride on the train towards where Blaine is supposed to be meeting this Annabelle character, I try constantly to remind myself of this. I love him. There should be nothing more important than that and if he yells at me that he doesn't trust me, hopefully I can explain things to him.

I have to make myself brave when I try to cope with things with Blaine.

There is no other alternative to it.

Due to years of bullying, I sometimes find my body, the fantastic body of me, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, ridges up when things get too emotional. I have known myself to cry even in makeup, I have known my cheeks to swell and for everything to seem as if it was ending, but I have never had a strong attachment to emotion. My father can be emotional, but his emotions are of general frustration and anger.

He is a strong man and I've always felt that I could use him as the man that I wanted to be.

Then Blaine came along, Blaine who has so much insecurity and yet so much passion. His passion is sometimes seen more clearly than mine because of his open emotions, as I've said, due to the years of bullying and the god awfulness that _was_ Dave Karofsky, I don't like to be open with my emotions. Blaine is someone I can let my guard down with, but even he doesn't have the power to influence me in times I need him to do so.

I have to remind myself that I am not spying on him, I am looking out for him, looking out for his interests.

As much as I realize I don't show it, Blaine is part of my everything and he makes me feel love, secure, safe, and I need someone like him. If I let him just go into the world and fail then what kind of a fiancee does that make me? What kind of a person does that make me? I want to be strong for him, but there are other things that are sometimes so much more important than strength.

I hear the stop announced and squeeze my way through the usual crowds of people and once outside of the busy station, I step over to the side and quickly dig out my phone. I type in the address for the meeting point Blaine told me and get the small arrow which guides me. I quickly try to memorize the start of the directions and get on my way.

I can always hide, maybe eat something myself, I just need to figure things out, figure out what is really going on in the mind of the man I love. There is nothing I want more than to know he's okay and I have to face it, Blaine is not going to be the person who is always okay. He's not even going to be the type of person who realizes that he is _not_ okay.

My heart is beating too strongly.

My mind is racing too freely.

I feel that something is wrong, something just feels _so_ wrong to me and I don't know what it is. What could be scaring me so much? What has Blaine gotten himself into.

My steps get faster as I try to keep myself together, but I'm scared for him.

I have to keep reminding myself, strength, power, confidence. I have to be strong and reserved and put my defenses up. If you don't defend yourself in this world you'll get taken advantage of and the person who seems will be most likely taken advantage of is the person I love most of all. Blaine.

Finally I reach the place where Blaine is and I'm confused. He's sitting very intently, a cup of coffee placed before him that he is taking sips of and one right in front of an empty chair. Is he waiting for her? Did she stand him up?

I have to slow my breath, the likelihood of him still being here if he knows she's not here is hard to handle.

"Sir," a waiter asks me as I find myself crossing over to Blaine without even thinking about it. It's when I'm stopped and turn around that I catch nervous glances towards the love of my life as if he's done something wrong, as if he's broken a law or social code. Blaine wouldn't do that.

Okay, so the guy cheated on me just like most of the people in our Glee club choir room cheated on others or were cheated on, but I know he's changed. I know he's matured, and he was honest about it, he did try to tell me at first.

No, I refuse to believe that Blaine himself has done anything wrong.

"My partner is here," I try to tell the waiter who nods slowly, he has caught me staring at Blaine, making quick eye movements towards him and then back at the waiter and then around at the patrons of the restaurant. "I wanted to talk to him."

"Your partner is insane," the waiter whispers to me and I start to feel offended.

That is not something that I personally want to hear said about another individual, that is not a rumor I want to be a part of. Most importantly, that is not something that I want to hear said about _Blaine_.

"Please keep your mind to yourself," I reply, giving him my bitch glare before sitting down at a table where I can watch Blaine.

The waiter seems to understand and lets me sit at the table. It is a slow time so why not?

"And you think the twentieth will be alright? Is there a need to buy something new for my wardrobe?" I hear Blaine ask with a light hearted chuckle and I stare at the table in confusion. Is he practicing? Could he really be that nervous?

I feel sad and scared at the same time. Here Blaine is, trying and working so hard, and I might cause something to go wrong.

"Anabelle, I'm glad I met you," Blaine says and it slowly dawns on me.

Maybe Blaine really isn't _just_ practicing? What if he's talking to himself? What if this is one of the times when I'm supposed to say look Kurt, look and see what he's doing, is there any way in which you can _help_ the man you love.

I can't take it any longer and I take my chair before pulling it up at Blaine's table. I want to help him. No matter what this is a man who owns my heart and crazy or not he is _my_ man, the love of _my_ life and I can't turn my back on him.

"Kurt?" Blaine asks and I know my presence right now is a surprise to him. I just need to figure out what's going on.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. I want to be gentle, but I'm not usually this meek. I have a lot of self confidence that I've had to give myself and I have to be courageous, but right now my fear is of hurting Blaine and making any possible condition he has worse. "I really wanted to be here for this."

"Why?" Blaine asks, his expression is a little broken and I can see in his puppy dog eyes that he's asking if he's done something wrong.

I'm not quite sure what to say or how to handle the situation.

"Oh, Annabelle, I'm glad you get to meet him, this man here is my best friend and the love of my life, Kurt Hummel," he says and my world crashes down on me. Blaine is _seriously_ seeing someone there, he is imagining a person to be there when there is no one. I don't know whether to play along or break him out of this delusion that he's in.

I just don't know the best way of handling this, the way in which I can hurt him the least.

"Kurt," he whispers to me, "Answer her,"

My face falls and I don't know what to say. I feel the tears gather in my eyes as my heart starts to ache and my stomach repeatedly flips over.

There's no one there.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I hope I am writing the PoV okay, I'm more comfortable writing Blaine than Kurt so I hope I'm at least not _too_ OoC as far as Kurt is concerned

******Chapter Three**

It's getting harder to breathe and to be completely honest, I feel lost.

I love Blaine, I truly love him with everything I am and every emotion I can experience, but _Blaine__… _Blaine is talking to himself and I feel lost and confused and frustrated. Yes, even at a time like this I can feel frustrated by a situation. Yes, even when my main priority _should_ be Blaine I'm worried about the consequences that will come from telling him what will happen.

I take a breath in and let it out.

Be courageous Kurt, be honest and true and kind and comforting, be compassionate. That is what Blaine really needs right now, compassion. I look him over and finally I can see how broken he is.

He tilts his head concerned, "Kurt?" he asks and I'm scared that now _I_ appear the broken one of the two of us.

My vision blurs and I feel something wet slip down my cheeks, my face is probably doing that weird crumpling thing I've been told about and I hope that I don't look too unattractive. I am crying because I can't handle this, but most of all, I am scared for him. I am _terrified_ for Blaine.

"Kurt, oh baby, baby," Blaine whispers as he wraps me up in his protective arms and I feel the warmth, the warmth and the smell and everything which is oh so comforting. "What is it? What's wrong? I'm sure Annabelle would…"

He is trying to be loving and sweet to me, but with every word it feels worse and I can't handle it, I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe from harm, but this all makes too much damn sense to not be real. Blaine has been hallucinating, he's seeing someone that isn't there, he's experiencing situation that aren't real and I can't even help him. I can't hold his hand and talk about how proud we are.

"He hardly ever cries, I think it's best that I take him home. I'm sorry Annabelle but, as June has most likely made you aware o—-" Blaine tries to explain.

It all makes sense, it all makes too much damn sense. I have to tell him, I can't let him walk around like this and I can't allow these delusions to grow any deeper, it just…"Blaine," I whisper as he gives a hum, "Blaine, honey, honeybee look at me," I say as I guide him back by pushing his chest backwards. "There's nobody there, we're the only two at the table."

I need to make him realize this, I need for him to know.

I see him look at me confused and then look at the person he is obviously seeing. He stares towards the empty space for too long and then he nods, what on earth is he hearing? I need to be strong and have courage, I need to make sure that everyone knows that nothing can touch me, that nothing can hurt me, but…but Blaine.

"Why are you so jealous?" Blaine asks, his voice is supposed to sound comforting and not cold, I know this, but the fact that he won't listen to me… "You're being rude, Kurt. I don't know why you'd make up such a thing."

I stare horrified, trying to find the oxygen that I need to speak. I run a hand through my usually perfect hair and don't even cringe at the thought that the style was loosening and that I wasn't going to look even half my best. This is Blaine. This is Blaine who isn't listening to me.

He has to know, if he knows I can get him help, I can stop this from happening.

I can stop all of this from being his life.

"Bl-Blaine," I choke, "I'm not…I'm not lying," I know my face and eyes do not betray me. I know I look desperate and despite how much I hate the thought of showing an insecurity and that I am not worth as much as anyone I am facing, I am begging him with every fibre of my being, every molecule, to believe me. "Please"

Blaine stares at the 'woman' at the table and I see him reach out for my hand, his entire body turning rigid. His head seems to turn to where other people are watching him and he reaches out and puts his finger _in_ the coffee. I grab a glass of water and make sure that he does not have a lasting burn from doing that, maybe I'm being over protective, but how else can I possibly be right now?

He is seeming to have everything in his world crashing down and I can see something break again in his eyes. Suddenly he stands and I push back my chair, instantly following him.

The air feels so much colder, the noise of the world has stopped, all I can hear is my own heartbeat, all I can see is Blaine, and all I can feel is this deep pain of wanting to help the love of my life. He is _my_ future_ husband_, he will always be my partner, no matter what.

"Honeybee," I whisper as he holds out a trembling hand to me. I take it and pull him towards me as he starts to cry into my chest. As I have him near me, I wrap my arms securely around his body. It's so small, so tiny, and it's shaking. I share the fear and the sadness though, everything that Blaine feels I want to feel too.

It's only in moments like these I realize how much I love him, how lost _I_ am without him.

"We'll get through this together," I whisper, trying to act strong. New York City has not had the privilege of making me cry very much, I only shed this many tears the night that Blaine and I broke up, the night he told me he cheated on me. After that I wanted to prove that I could be strong, I wanted to show the world there were other ways to deal with things. (I am not factoring in Finn's death into any of this, it is a whole other thing completely to lose one's own brother. That was not a trivial thing of a New York thing, that was death, any brother is allowed to grieve for another.)

"I love you," I whisper to him, running my hand over his hair and holding him tightly with the other as he continues to sob into my shirt. It's okay, he has every right to do that. This isn't normal and I'm scared about how long it could last. "I love you,"

"Love you too," he finally responds and I kiss him as he pulls back and reaches out for my hand. I see that his bag is still resting at the table and I kiss him, guide his hand to a post and whisper quickly.

"I'm going to grab your bag and pay the bill and then, then we can go home straight away," I whisper and Blaine nods nervously, he looks so much like a child, or a wounded puppy, I can't decide. More than anything though he looks broken.

As I pick up his bag, I quickly ask the waiter what has been ordered and nod. Without much thought I put down a $20 bill from my own wallet and leave, letting Blaine wrap his hand around my waist to steady himself.

"K-Kurt," he chokes and I nod. "Thank you, for…letting me know, please know you were the only person I would have believed. You'd never ever hurt me."

"I _will_ never ever hurt you," I repeat, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him tightly to me, "You're not wrong Blaine, you haven't done anything wrong. We'll get through this together okay, I promise."


End file.
